DATING AS DEVOTION - Blog 81

Making Waves

Well if it’s one thing I have to thank Mr Silent Treatment for it’s a boost to my blog stats ;-)

Whether it was the vulnerability of my share, the relatability of the topic or some algorithmic anomaly, my last piece on being ghosted after the most promising date in years has had more views and comments than all 79 others.

That’s definitely cause for celebration, since I write not only out of a deep creative impulse, but to activate, inspire and elevate.

I’m on a mission to bring greater awareness, love and truth into dating, relating and mating, so the more widely my words are read, the better.

And as with all life-challenges and apparent set-backs, my way is to see this as a gift: an opportunity to reflect and recalibrate.

The shock, hurt and disappointment of being ditched had me reeling.

But then it also had me contemplating, meditating and meeting the confusion, sadness and heartache it precipitated.

Writing about it (always a practice of introspection for me), sharing publicly in my post, engaging with the scores of comments online and wading into deepest enquiry with trusted others, has contributed to further elucidation. Not only of this topic, but my purpose, desire and growth-points overall.

Here’s what I’ve gained:

• fresh insight into my relational patterns and needs

• new clarity on my standards and boundaries

• greater commitment to self-love and honouring

• ideas for re-framing this blog and my service-offerings

• renewed resolve to walk the devotional love-path

Unexpected hurt in the relational field happened and it’s grown me and my work. Awesome !

And….. whilst I’m grateful for that and the self-awareness and maturity I’ve been able to bring to the process, I’m also moved to advocate for a different way.

Because ghosting doesn’t have to be the new normal. In fact, I’m here to take a stand for something better.

Probably the biggest point of feedback on my last blog was from those who’ve experienced similar and empathised.

They, too, have felt the emotional pain and disorientation of being left hanging after a seemingly fabulous date or, worse still, months or even years of relating !!

And while this behaviour has no doubt always been around, its prevalence has ramped up astronomically in the digital age to the point where it’s become an unquestioned standard.

A 2021 study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that in the 18-35 age group, 65% of people reported having ghosted someone and 72% had been ghosted, with no significant gender differences in frequency.

As one of my readers commented (and she’s of my generation, for whom this kind of thing definitely didn’t use to be normal) “I recognise it’s not adult behaviour, but I’ve had it happen to me so often I take it as a normal aspect of modern dating.”

Which is where I beg to differ. Because she’s right: it’s not adult behaviour. And this is where we have the choice: do unto others as they’ve done unto us, or flip the script.

Because much as our mobile phones, laptops and screen-facing culture may foster a sense of personal containment, tribal loyalty or social isolation, your actions have a ripple effect.

Your acceptance of ghosting as “normal”; your indifferent/cowardly/lazy perpetuation of it, are contributing to a relational field that feels increasingly unsafe and polarised.

Leading to less mutual tolerance, along with higher barriers to intimacy than ever before.

Do you wonder why “men are lonely” (what? you think women aren’t too?), afraid to approach women or incel culture is taking hold?

Or why increasing numbers of women are choosing to preserve their peaceful, fulfilling lives by de-centring men and opting for single-dom, rather than enter the dating fray?

Aren’t you curious why a dating approach for women called “the Burned Haystack Method” (rooted in the ruthless policy of “torching the duds” - a form of pre-emptive ghosting in extremis) is so popular?

Well, here’s what I think explains part of it (and I’ll own up-front my perspective here is gynocentric, because I’m way less informed about men’s experience): women are sick and tired of feeling unmet and being treated like shit and have either given up on romance entirely or are hellbent on sifting out the relationally dangerous or incompetent.

A significant proportion of men lack emotional maturity, accountability or relational skill and are stuck in patriarchal ways of being and seeing that women are no longer willing to tolerate.

Ghosting is a just one form of emotional immaturity. Objectifying and sexualising women (sigh) is another.

Whilst the same research study found that men and women ghost one another equally in the early stages of dating, their reasons were different. Men tended to ghost when they lost interest or were purely sexually motivated. Women when they felt uncomfortable, overwhelmed or wanted to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

Whereas some men are rising to the challenge and actively wanting to be better lovers, partners and husbands, others have retreated behind their screens or sunk into victimhood and would rather shift the blame outside themselves, than take action to shift their reality.

Meanwhile, for every safe, yet soul-less interaction with ChatGPT, OnlyFans or Pornhub; for every swipe on an oh-so-tempting yet elusive array of 2D women, relational competence and capacity, respect and resilience are being eroded.

You know, when I published that last blog, a part of me worried I’d be judged for sharing the intensity of my emotion.

I’m super sensitive and a feeler that’s true. But that doesn’t mean I’m weak or weird.

Do you know how much courage and devotion it takes to sit with strong affect and ride the waves of it, rather than seek to avoid feeling through addiction, distraction, repression or blame?

Feeling hurt when your trust is broken or someone treats you unkindly isn’t odd. Disappointment isn’t unreasonable when your hopes are raised then dashed. It’s frickin normal!! It’s ghosting itself - a harmful and inconsiderate practice - that I’d like to see regarded as abherrent.

Because every time you overlook the humanity of another, you’re undermining your own chances of healthy connection.

Ghosting causes emotional and mental distress. Indeed, some mental health professionals identify it as a form of “emotional abuse.”

Besides feelings of anxiety, depression and confusion, anyone who’s experienced it is likely to become more mistrustful and guarded towards the opposite sex.

Meanwhile, “the more commonplace the behavior becomes, the more individuals can become desensitized to it” with social media and dating apps creating “environments where people feel less accountable for their actions.”

The whole relational field is undermined.

Studies show that the biggest reason people ghost others is “to avoid emotional discomfort.” Well, welcome to adulthood baby!!

The simple choice to feel the fear and do it anyway, to kindly communicate your truth in recognition that “you are my other me” (In lak’ech) is all that’s needed to disrupt the prevailing tide of dehumanisation and minimise another’s suffering.

Instead of inflicting emotional pain upon another in the attempt to avoid your own, you do what’s right, mature, vulnerable and courageous. You grow the fuck up, descend your cojones and risk - what? Nothing, but someone else’s reaction.

It’s really not that hard and if you honestly have no idea how to do it, it’s easy enough to google some options and pick the one that feels most authentic. Something like: “I’m grateful for your time / I’ve appreciated our exchange, but am choosing not to pursue this connection. Wishing you well in your dating journey, x”

Trust me, in all my years of studying authentic relating and conscious communication, I’ve learned that telling the truth builds trust and intimacy. Avoiding it corrodes both. In other words, you can either keep participating in ghosting culture and reap/sow the unhappy rewards or opt out and start making waves that foster safety and connection.