DATING AS A WOMAN AT 60 - Blog 74

Online dating success story #2 - married through match.com

Tara (not her real name) is a 51 year-old divorcee, who is getting married in a fortnight - to a man she met on match.com.

This is her story, told anonymously, to preserve her request for privacy.

And, just like success story #1, it’s a narrative that gives me hope and builds on the impression I’m getting that there is no normative path to finding love online.

Tara is not originally from the UK, but married a Brit over 25 years ago and lived together with him in the Ukraine, before settling back in the UK.

She has two grown up sons, a law degree and has worked full-time in administrative and financial advisory roles for much of her life.

Her marriage, she says, was “happy”. Until her husband started drinking and suffering from depression.

She did all she could to support him for several years, but when nothing changed, she resolved it was time to separate and “look for something else.”

The dynamic was taking its toll and she knew that, despite the fear, she had to do it anyway. So, with the support of some really good friends, she took the leap.

“I had no idea how to meet people. I don’t drink or like pubs.”

Match.com was recommended to her as “more serious” than other apps. She tried the free version at first, but then subscribed in order to see who was liking her.

“I was surprised how many normal people were on there” she says.

And well, it really didn’t take Tara long before she met her 57 year-old husband-to-be.

“I joined the site in April, became a paid subscriber in May, had my first date with him in June and by our fourth date in July, he gave me the keys to his house and said I could move in.”

That was 3 years ago. Now they’re about to get married.

The speed of that initial progression surprised me, I’ve got to say. But Tara does not in any way come across as reckless or impulsive. Quite the opposite in fact.

She was clear about what she wanted and uncompromising in holding that line, regardless of the kindness or potential of a match.

Her criteria were broad, but specific: he had to be geographically close, a bit younger to 10+ years older, University educated and serious about relationship.

“I even put ‘don’t waste my time” on my dating profile, she says. “I wanted to be clear I am not available for one night stands or hook-ups.”

Tara only went on a few dates before meeting her fiancé. She turned away several other promising men because of their parenting duties, feeling clear she did not want to take on that responsibility or element of time-sharing at this stage of life.

“I don’t want to be second best” she says.

Did sparks fly the minute they connected? No.

“There wasn’t any kind of ‘wow!’ from our first communication.” she tells me. Nor did she feel sexually attracted to him.

When they met “I felt safe. He was a gentleman. And we chatted and chatted until the restaurant staff were clearly waiting for us to leave.”

Sex didn’t happen, in fact, for the first couple of months, such that Tara was beginning to worry he wasn’t attracted to her.

It was, he later told her, because he’d fallen in love, felt a lot of respect and didn’t want to scare her off by moving too fast. Although he was a father and had been in a long-term relationship prior to this one, he’d never actually gotten married. Now, Tara says “He can’t wait. He’s super-excited! He’s more romantic than I am.”

As for Tara, she reports feeling “super safe and really happy.” And now there IS a spark. “He’s really fit. I love his body. I fancy him.” She is glowing and relaxed as she shares this.

And… there’s a little twist to the story that comes out towards the end of our conversation.

“When I first separated”, she says, “there was a little gap. I was having these thoughts, like ‘I’m nearly 50 - no-one will want me.”

But then she connected with a man 20 years her junior and took him as her lover for a year. “I knew it wasn’t long-term, but the sex boosted my confidence” she tells me.

Familiar as I am with the benefits of younger lovers, I envied her ability to remain detached, but Tara remained matter-of-fact about it; clear this was a stop-gap, not the end goal: “you don’t want to waste time at our age” she explains, “and you don’t want to break your heart.”

In sticking to that commitment, it seems she’s well and truly met her match.

Here’s wishing Tara, her partner and their new family configuration all the love and joy in their future together !

NB. This photo is from a google image search. It does not depict Tara and her partner.